Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Happy (Belated) “Birthday,” Baby

I am the Worst. Mother. Ever.

I was chatting with some coworkers this AM (two of the very few remaining in my department. Sigh.) and the ladies asked how Coop was doing and how old he was now.

“He’s 7 months today,” I exclaimed.

“Aww, it seems like just yesterday he turned 6 months,” one of the gals replied.

“Oh, crap. Wait. What is today?”

“It’s the 19th.”

“Oh my God. I missed it. I missed Coop’s ‘birthday.’ It was yesterday.”

I dashed over to my desk and now, here I sit. Feeling ashamed.

I had a 4-hour interview yesterday and when I wasn’t trying to secure a new job I was anxiously awaiting news about my current one … was severance going to be headed my way???

My mind has been consumed with my employment situation — updating my resume and portfolio, securing references, applying, applying, applying for the small handful of jobs being posted a week before Christmas.

And in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty swirling around, I let the day pass me by without even realizing its significance. Cooper became a month older right in front of me and it didn’t even register a blip on my mommy radar. I didn’t do my usual commemorative post. Didn’t take the “day of” picture. Didn’t whisper, “Happy ‘Birthday,’ Baby.”

I suck.

I know this is only the beginning of missed opportunities. As Coop gets older there is certain to be a laundry list of things left unattended, unnoticed, forgotten. This has become the normalcy of family life in today’s crazed culture. This is a truth I have come to expect.

But I had hoped, that while Coop was still young and things remained uncomplicated, that I would always be cognizant of the little things. The crowning of a new tooth. The introduction of a vowel sound that wasn’t in his repertoire yesterday. Seeing him learn to flirt with the ladies.

A monthly ‘birthday.’

I committed my very heart and soul to becoming a mommy for nearly three years. And now, only 7 months and 1 day past the moment that dream was realized, I am slipping. It’s tragic how quickly time makes things more common, diminishing their importance until what was once considered a milestone, simply becomes another day.

-smell you later-
Coop’s Mom (aka Tessa)

p.s. “Happy Belated “Birthday,” Baby. I will try to better next month. You are my light, my life, my love. Always. Forever.”

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