Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Edit, Therefore I Am

I was scanning some blogs earlier this AM, because, let’s face it, my job has been tossed into the junk pile and I need something to do with my time while waiting for all of those hot little offers to come pouring in.

The stories and posts I was reading seemed so honest, like I was getting a true sense of who these writers/bloggers really were/are. Then I flicked back to mine.

And it hit me.

I’m a fake.

Or am I?

If you know me in person, then you know who I allude to be online is not necessarily one in the same. I have come to realize that I am completely, unequivocally gun shy of revealing my true self in my blog.

And, um, hello, isn’t that the genius behind the Internet — you can let loose and let your freak flag fly because, for the most part, online anonymity is your BFF???

I’m one of those chicas who “claims” not to care what other people think, but I only WISH that were true. I hate to disappoint, to offend, to irritate, annoy or create a general disregard for me as a person. I think it’s that whole first-child-always-having-to-be-the-best-and-always-seeking-the-approval-of-mom-and-dad (or in this case, the world) syndrome. Poo.

When I started my blog, it was with the idea of chronicling the misadventures of new mommyhood: the good, the bad and the wretched stink-ugliness of it all. But somewhere between less-than-kind comments (or worse, no comments at all), I have begun editing myself for fear of generating a karma truck of yuck.

My online persona IS me; it’s just edited for overzealous content. Take for instance the fact that I wrote a not-so-nice post about my current employment status. In doing so, I felt vindicated just for having written the words. But, having been drilled by that aforementioned karma truck before, I didn’t want to do/post something I might regret later.

I sent the post to the hubby for his opinion. Needless to say, those words will never be seen again.

What I’ve learned in my career as a writer is one cosmic truth: you can’t please everybody. Add to that the journalistic slant: you may get hate mail, but at least people are reading your words, and better yet, moved enough to mention them.

I’ve never really been good at the hate mail.

So, was it a total wiener move on my part not to post my jobby job entry or was it a case of learning from past mistakes?

Probably a little of both. Weiner in that standing up for what you feel is right can never be wrong. Learning in that now is not the best time to be land blasting anything or anyone who can ultimately impact my family.

So I guess, if you want to get all silver-liningish, through writing this post I’ve realized that watering down your blogger persona so that she’s a little less caustic, a little less foul-mouthed isn’t all that bad. I mean, after all, haven’t we all had those moments in life when a little “edit” would have gone a long way?

So here’s to flying your freak flag, but also knowing when to bring it down to half-mast.

-smell you later-
Coop’s Mom (aka Tessa)


Lindsay said...

Fly that flag girly!
I do daily!

Mom said...

there our sooo many people in tis worl that wish they had half the talent taht you have. take a step back and look where you are a how for you have come. sure there are going to some speed bumps along the way but with a loving husband and a support group like you have I think you will come out of this with your head held HIGH Just remember that GOD IS IN CONTROL

G & G FC

Kadi Prescott said...

You know, I have often pondered that same thing. How is it that a personal journal can become something that we feel the need to water down, for the sake of our readers? It stinks, but it happens, just the same. I am so very jealous of your writing career. I'm just getting mine started and it has been difficult. I have not the slightest idea where to start in my endeavors. Here's hoping that you get that hot little offer soon! Come visit me sometime at Seven Seeds!
We have lots of poo at our house too!!~Kadi