bittersweet vacation

The countdown to our first Falk family summer vacation is on, with just 6 days to go. And, I must confess, my excitement is tempered a bit by my mommyhood apprehension.

During our extended 4th of July weekend at the lake it became strikingly apparent that I absolutely CAN NOT relax when Coop and I are out of our element. Not to mention Coop's sudden immersion into the "I (only) want Mama!!!"s. I am on a heightened state of alert 24/7 and it’s exhausting — mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I’m sucking the fun out of every moment, not just for myself, but for those around me. Party pooper? Buzz kill? Yep, that’s me!

My greatest fear is that I will let my guard down for one second—to catch my breath—and it will be in that brief moment that a mommy’s worst nightmare is realized, that something will happen to Cooper. And it will be my fault. Because I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t on-point. I wasn’t protecting him.

In just a few days Chris, Cooper and I will be meeting a gaggle of friends for a water-filled vacation, which includes Sea World, Schlitterbahn and floating the Guadalupe River.

I’ve pictured these days in my head since I was long-ago donning the infamous “infertile myrtle” t-shirt. Doing the touristy things, taking the touristy pics, eating at the touristy places all in the name of family fun. I have dreamt about this. I have longed for this. And now it’s upon me and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angst-ridden over the possibilities.

I feel shaken and uncertain. My mom-fidence is gone. I am desperate to make this vacation the best it can be, for Chris, Cooper, our friends. Myself. But I honestly don’t know how to be the mom I feel I have to be and the mom I want to be. Is a balance between the two possible or did I waive the right to a relaxed state of mind once that pregnancy stick turned positive?