Wednesday, July 9, 2008

that day

I knew it was coming.

That day when your little boy struggles in the arms of his daycare teacher as he reaches out for you, crying, wailing, kicking in frustration and anger as you reluctantly walk away.

Today was that day.

And it broke my heart into a million unglueable pieces.

Cooper has been in a “mommy phase” for awhile now. But it hit a fever pitch over the 4th of July weekend. It’s killing me in every way imagineable.

I want to be the one he wants.

But not every moment of every day.

And I cringe at that thought. I HATE seeing him so upset, knowing that all I have to do to soothe him is to simply hold him, to cradle him in my arms. What mommy doesn’t crave that closeness?

A mommy who has to work. Has to get things done. Has to keep order in an orderless situation.

I want Coop to want to be with me. And Daddy. And Mimi and Aunt Amy and every other family member and friend who loves and adores him.

I don’t want to enable his screaming fits and rejection of others, but my heart can’t bare the tears—it seems like such wasted energy, wasted effort, wasted heartache.

I pray that this is a phase that will end as quickly as it started. I pray for strength and guidance and patience. I pray for peace in my soul, because right now there is a battle blazing.


Andrea said...

You always state things so well.

I think this is a phase that will hopefully pass. It's one of those catch 22 situations where you are secretly happy that he still adores you, but not every waking moment.

mimipam said...

I felt like this was coming, I am so sorry, and feel even worse since there IS NO quick, easy way out. You, too, were like Cooper--surprise, surprise!!--all I can say, is try to stay grounded and know that you are doing all that you can do for him...but you must take care of yourself, or you can't be the best mommie ever. The only think that helped me was, when I left you screaming mommie, mommie...I learned to NOT look back and I asked the daycare workers to write down on your "report card" how long you cried and were unhappy. The fabulous thing, most of the time you were OVER IT, by the time I hit the car. ..traitor. So, I took much comfort in that and just continued to bathe in the luxury of our time together--whenever and whereever. Hang on tight sweet girl, this too you shall survive...what good would you be to coopie and chris otherwise?? Also, who would give me CRAP about each and every new medical drama that seems to be slung my way--who can handle that smartiness like you??? A lesson your learned oh sooooo well!! ha ha Love you so much. Remember, you're going to miss these times--and you will. loveevermimi