Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Me, Myself & Mommy

I survived last weekend’s high school reunion. When I arrived at the festivities Friday night I was totally freaked out – it was like being in some eerie episode of the Twilight Zone where 10 years have passed, yet everyone seems EXACTLY the same. After donning my name badge and downing what can only be considered a ridiculous amount of bourbon and coke I began to relax. But, the thought that popped into my mind (and continues to, even now) is: Is this OK? Am I allowed to chug down drinks like an underage teenager at her first frat party and laugh hysterically with friends while my mom (Mimi) fulfills my responsibilities as caregiver to Coop?

Now that I’m a mommy, can I still be myself?

This afternoon I received this e-mail from my obscenely precious friend, Alexis (the mom of two pictured on the right in the reunion group shot):

“Can I just tell you that being a mommy really agrees with you. I meant to say something while you were here. Can't put my finger on it but you seemed changed ... in a good way.”

I immediately replied:

“Aww, thanks for the ‘mommy’ mention ... it really means a lot! It's such unchartered territory for me ... I never know if I'm doing "it" right – balancing the mommy side and the Tessa side. Am I being ‘too’ me? (cussing, gossiping, yadda yadda). Am I being ‘too much’ a mommy? (Coop's poop inevitably pops up in every conversation). UUGGHH!”

I had an awesome time over the weekend — I rarely get to hang with my girlfriends (most still live in Abilene and I’m in The Colony), but most of the time, when I wasn’t with Coop, I felt guilty for not being with him. I felt like I was neglecting my new role in life in exchange for a few hours in my old one.

Are these feelings tethered to NEW motherhood, or motherhood in general? Will the guilt ever go away?

-smell you later-
Coop's Mom (aka Tessa)

p.s. The first pic is at the reunion as a lady on the loose, the second is me and Coop earlier this evening.

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