Thursday, May 28, 2009

maybe baby: make room for more?

Last year the hubs and I agreed that we’d start “working” on munchkin No. 2 this December. It sounded like a good plan …if things “worked out,” Coop would be sporting his “big brother” tee by the time he hit 3 years and some change.

But, of course, this was before we bought a house. Before I started ramping up my freelance work (in addition to the full-time job). Before we fell head over heels in love with us, The Three Musketeers …

Chris and I were enraptured with our baby boy the minute we found out we were pregnant. But only as Coop’s gotten older have we settled into this totally rockin’ rhythm that makes us both wonder how we could ever hope to improve on this kind of perfection.

The other night, as Coop lay sandwiched between Chris and I for a pre-bedtime viewing of Wonder Pets, my little man turned to me and with his fingers spread wide, he patted my closed eyes, as I often do his back, and he said, “night, night” and gave me the sweetest little kiss. My. Heart. Melted. He continued to do this off and on for the next half hour any time he caught me sneaking some shut eye, “night, night. night, night.”

It’s this kind of unexpected pocket of bliss that makes me want 12 more little Coopers and then just the one amazing original all at the same time.

I’ve spent my entire life wanting to be a mommy and dedicated nearly three years leading up to pregnancy desperately trying to get there (surgery, specialists, fertility meds were all necessary). And now that I’ve been so completely blessed, do I dare ask for more? Am I hanging my uncertainty about another child on the fear of what awaits when we start trying again … the endless negative pregnancy tests, the tears, the emotions, the turmoil? Am I good enough? Strong enough? Creative, energetic, loving enough to give parenting greatness to two children? Or is there a limit to my mommy mojo?

It amazes me how I can be so completely full on happiness and wonder and laughter and love and yet still long for more. Aww, just another one of the joys of mamahood, I guess.


Murry Mayhem said...

I know how you feel...Caroline is everything to me plus more! I was lucky enough to have no problems getting pregnant with her, but after I got remarried we discussed trying for another addition. My husband has issues and we have been going through the whole infertility nightmare. We've done 3 IUI's and now we are taking a break while I ponder things.

Should I put so much $$$ and effort into this when I already have a beautiful, healthy child? Can I handle more negative results?

I'm with you in the emotions department...what to do?

My best advice is that you should go for it, but do it with a completely open heart. Set limits. We decided that we would try 5-6 times, and after that...we would just be thrilled with what God already gave us!

Way harder said than done sometimes, but it keeps me grounded. Good luck in whatever your happy little family chooses!


Sawatzky family said...

What a great previous comment above. I know with each of our three we wondered how we ever did without them once they arrived. Each one brought so much to our already "perfect family" lol
What wisdom you have already shown in even opening this discussion within your family and then with the rest of us. God knows His plans for you and your family. He knows how many little ones He will bless your socks off with. Maybe a dozen and maybe the perfect one you already have! lol
My prayers that His peace will wash over you in this process.

mimipam said...

I don't envy you this choice. You know how I struggled with the same decision...and in the end God made the choice for me. Talk all you want with whoever you want, but in the end it is all about you and Chris and your personal dreams for yourselves...that pretty much sums it up. In the end, I am pretty sure God Will once again have the final say. love you tonz mimi